January 26, 2005

 

Dear Friends and Family,

 

Life is busy here as we prepare for our trip to Seattle.  Jim and I will fly from Nashville on February 7^th.  My regimen begins on the 8^th at the Seattle Cancer Care Alliance (www.seattlecca.com) with an orientation and a mini physical.  The very next day we meet with the doctor to discuss the exam.  A bone marrow aspiration is scheduled for the 10^th.  If you imagine watching cards being shuffled, you have a good picture of my days between February 8^th and March 1^st, each and every day falling fast onto the other and every one of them filled with some medical task or preparatory test: CAT scans, MRI, full body x-rays, blood labs, heart-lung-kidney function, etc.  Assuming I clear all the lead-up hurdles, I’ll have full body radiation in the morning and the bone marrow transplant on the afternoon of March 1^st – our 25^th wedding anniversary!  Not exactly the gift I was expecting on my 25^th anniversary, but I’ll take it – especially if it means I’ll live to enjoy another 25 years of marriage!

 

Here’s where you can find us during winter and spring in Seattle: The Pete Gross House.  This is a facility just five blocks from the hospital and specifically designed for cancer patients undergoing long-term treatment at the SCCA.  You may contact us there between February 7 – June 10: Jim and Janice Chaffee, c/o The Pete Gross House, 525 Minor Avenue North, Apt. 313, Seattle, WA 98109.  The phone number in our fully-furnished, one-bedroom apartment is 206-262-9028.  In the midst of all this, Jim will fly back and forth to Nashville several times for business and a host of Seattle-area family and friends have graciously volunteered to stay with me when he is gone.

 

On the home front, we found a brave soul to stay in our Tennessee house while we are away.  Our totally deaf cocker spaniel and totally spoiled cats will appreciate being left to their familiar surroundings.  We’re convinced that our absence will be more than enough to confuse them.    And, admittedly, it helps to have one less concern  for us to carry along to Seattle. 

 

If it’s true that time does not pass, but that we pass through time, then I have to admit that today we were extremely aware of our motion.  Today was a tough day.  Jim and I met our new attorney to work on new wills, living trusts, power of attorney, etc.  It wasn’t easy sitting in the cushy leather chair, casually talking about the eventuality of our deaths.  The hardest part was trying to decide when to allow the boys access to funds.  If they are young-ish when they get wads of cash, I can envision their new cars and rooms full of musical equipment.  Of course, I want them to get their Master’s degrees after college. My ideas for them are filled with responsible acts and frugal choices, but then, I am their mother.  No wonder Jim and I are having to work hard at this.  Can you imagine the number of times we had to say, “in the event that …” and then make contingent plans.   How does one choose an executor, a trustee, a person who will take care of the boys after we’re gone, who can help them through the transition of our deaths?  Of course, every one who sits in cushy attorney office chairs knows that time rarely gives away its secrets.  It may be 40 years before our wills are touched, but “in the event…” requires preparation.  So, we busy ourselves with the work of packing and preparing medically and legally, and, of course, emotionally

 

I have to face the reality that barring all surprises, my own death will most likely be the first in our family.  It wasn’t too long ago when a person diagnosed with multiple myeloma died within one year.  Now with treatment, the life span is extended an average of three to five years.  Some patients survive much longer.  So how do I plan for the rest of my life, not knowing whether my time is measured in single or multiple years? 

 

One day at a time.  I’m learning that today is mighty important.  I try to pay attention to the deer grazing on the other side of the porch, to listen to the sound of my son’s voices on the telephone, to study the lines in Jim’s face and delight in the way his dimples sink when he laughs.  Not much seems quite as urgent as it did years ago, or even one year ago.  Few things demand my immediate attention.  I’m not in such a hurry to do whatever is on my calendar and I’ve limited my calendar to things I really want to do – visit with friends, lunch with friends, have dinner with friends, invite friends over for a cup of tea.  The great treasure of life is friendship.  What good is a big, beautiful house if no one comes over to enjoy it with you?  Who needs a fancy name-brand car if it doesn’t take to you places where you love and are loved, cherish and are cherished? 

You can sense from the last paragraph what I am continually learning during this cancer journey.  My attitude, my opinions, my philosophy has changed so much now that I’m face-to-face with my mortality. Part of me is ready to go to Seattle and begin the long, arduous treatment required to beat this cancer.  Part of me wonders if I will come home in a casket.  I feel like a faucet where hot and cold water share one pipe.  Panic and calm run through a single me.  Sometimes it’s a mix, sometimes purely hot panic, occasionally cool calm.        

 

C.S. Lewis said, “When you posit the kind of God revealed in the Old and New Testaments, you run the risk of a few miracles.”  Jim and I have grown quite familiar with the risk.  We risk faith and prayer and treatment, and while we can, the hope of a miracle.  I will face each day as they come, and I’ll do the best I can to fight the myeloma.  Then…knowing that I’ve done my best, the rest is in God’s hands. 

 

Thank you for being such good friends and pray-ers during the last year.  My unabashed request is that while I’m offering my body up to a team of medical experts, you will continue to offer up prayers on my behalf to the Great Physician.  Feel free to write or call us in Seattle or send an e-mail – we’d love to hear from you.

 

Now, sending my love, it’s back to planning and packing. 

 

Janice

P.S.  Many of you have kindly asked “What can I do to help?”  Quite honestly all the mechanics of the trip are taken care of.  However, we are incurring a lot of expenses.  Our insurance company will cover a portion of our costs in Seattle, but there is quite a delay in receipt of their reimbursements. We would be grateful for any donations to the Contribution Fund to help us with food, housing, transportation, prescriptions, co-pay and deductible medical bills. You may send checks to:  Janice Chaffee Contribution Fund, c/o Karen Clark, Sun Trust Bank, 1026 17^th Avenue South, Nashville, TN  37212.  On my website, www.janicechaffee.com, there is a link to use a credit card.  Thank you, in advance, for even considering this request.  We have been humbled by your previous generosity.